It was supposed to be a fun family event. A large group of domesticated geese were celebrating the first birthdays of their goslings, complete with theme notebooks, blue valentines, real girls and simulated motorcycle bank heists. Things were going swimmingly when a group of young rams came by, claiming their territory. In a flurry of feathers, the party was disrupted and all geese scattered quickly. The bull was notified and he repeatedly bellowed from his pen, which was too far away and replied with laughter from the young rams. They spent the rest of the afternoon butting heads and trying on a silk windbreaker that was a gift intended for the young goslings.
BY Cheryl Fox Jan 20 2015 AT 16:53 CST
BY Eagle McFly Jan 20 2015 AT 16:52 CST
His own mother shivered when she heard his plan to attack the summit of Mt. Everest without even packing a jacket. Only bringing some light snacks in a neon-pink fanny pack, he put on his headphones, turned on some “sweet tunes” and hoofed it off to Nepal to begin acclimating to the altitude. After getting bored with just sitting around at base camp, he snuck out in the middle of the night without his guide. After a couple days, surviving on “frozen berries and snow,” he reached the peak. Triumphant, he quickly descended to announce his victory. Everest officials would not award him the traditional plaque because it is required to have eyewitnesses of this accomplishment. Ram only replied “Whatever. This is lame. I’m out.”
BY Randy Butternubs Jan 20 2015 AT 16:50 CST
The wool shortage may not be a shortage after all. While initial hoof-print analysis outside the wool storage facility initially reported an estimated 12-15 goats were involved in what appeared to be a wool heist, horses have come forward saying they frequently see goats there licking glue off old can labels. The stables are in perfect view of the storage shed, but some have called into question their eyesight. Many horses cannot tell the difference between a goat and a sheep, a pig or a dog. Regardless, additional sheep prints were also found in the vicinity of the shed doors. Could this have been a staged conspiracy by sheep to drive up the price of wool? Sure, goats have benefited from a surge in cashmere prices as well, but most goats can only produce 1/3 of a pound of hair per year. Sheep refused to comment, stating that she needed to attend an urgent shearing.
BY Linda Ewesworth Jan 20 2015 AT 16:49 CST
Have you noticed something different about the flock lately? I mean, besides everybody’s got plenty of wool for the winter. Can’t wait for shearing time! I always think a thick coat makes my face look too oval. You know? But seriously, the flock is different now because of one driving force that’s changing everything for the better. Yes, I’m talking about our very own Sheep. She has been going hoof to hoof with Goat and Ram, fighting for our rights and making sure we get our fair share. Too long have those darn goats gotten away with everything. And don’t get me started about those rams. Ugh. Although, there is one ram that I think is kinda cute. Dear Diary! Anyways, vote Sheep! Bye! LYLAS!
BY Peter Piggles Jan 20 2015 AT 16:48 CST
Yesterday, I put down my lunch for literally two seconds to turn my head and see what all the chicken squawking was about. When I turned back, it was totally gone! Stolen! Taken right out from under my chinny-chin-chin! I immediately launched an investigation, but found no one in the barnyard was willing to cooperate. Some even said, “C’mon, everyone gets their lunch stolen now and again.” How ridiculous! Wrong is wrong! My lunch shall be vindicated! I decided to extend the search perimeter and behind the barn I discovered parts of my lunch. Discarded without care. Right in the middle of a thousand goat prints. Am I pointing fingers? You bet I am. Calls put in to Farmer Brown to install security cameras have been unanswered.
BY Gary Goatschild Jan 20 2015 AT 16:47 CST
Cashmere sweaters are regarded as the finest of all. Not to mention scarves, socks, hats and anything else you can make out of cashmere. But did you know that cashmere is not wool at all? Rather, it’s the hair of goats! Cashmere started in the Kashmir region of Afghanistan, known for the finest goats in the world. In fact, the word pashmina refers to a specific kind of goat. So, the next time you think about warmth, remember who has the highest standards for it in the world. Goats. Chew on that!
BY Steve Stampedowicz Jan 20 2015 AT 16:44 CST
Just another normal day on the mountainside? That’s how Ram talks about his recent heroic feat. He said he was climbing up to “Kick somebody’s butt. You know who you are.” However, halfway up, he saw several local kids who had climbed one rock too high. Trapped, they bleated for help. Their goat parents were nowhere to be found. Ram immediately charged into action. His original plan was to push them off the precipice. Then, thinking again, he decided to stand under the ledge and let the young goats jump safely onto his back. No hooves were damaged and the kids quickly returned home. Not wanting to be called a hero, Ram simply said, “Stay off of my mountain. That goes for all of you!”
BY Bill “No” Bull - Senior Correspondent Jan 20 2015 AT 16:42 CST
It’s a story goats have carried with them for countless generations. Long ago, groups of goats would act strangely after grazing in certain areas. More full of energy. Even quirkier than usual. Their human counterparts, one day, followed them up the hillside, which was difficult for them but easy for a goat. Once there, they found the goats eating a strange bean that grew on a particular plant. Later, these humans found that these beans would make a wonderful drink called coffee. Many goats have called it the “Great Swindle” and have asked for reparations from humans and their wildly successful international coffee-serving chains.
BY Jersey Jane Jan 20 2015 AT 16:39 CST
Many barnyard residents who have been carefully sorting their garbage according to recycling guidelines were shocked to learn that almost all of it was being consumed by goats. Despite charging higher removal fees for the items intended for recycling, goats were seen dining on tin cans, plastic bottles, and glass jars. Goat spokesman and Lunar New Year candidate, Goat, spoke out. “These things are indigestible. We are simply prepping them for the recycling center. Please! Follow any of us around and check our leavings for tin, plastic, or glass. I dare you.” When asked if goats were possibly addicted to the glue on the outside of said containers, Goat promptly ended the press conference.
BY DARCY THE DUCK Jan 20 2015 AT 11:24 CST
They’ve always said he charged at breakneck speed. That proved to be true last week when Ram got involved in a barnyard tussle. He was there visiting his cousin who had just birthed a brand new baby lamb when a fight broke out in a nearby pen between a goose and a piglet. Ram bounded over the fence and threw himself headlong into the ruckus. The involved parties quickly stepped aside and Ram instead rammed a nearby fencepost. The fight was quickly forgotten as everyone laughed uproariously at the unconscious Ram. While cruel, laughing at this is technically part of the Law of the Wild. When asked if his injury would affect his campaign, Ram reported that it was “No big deal. I already walked it off.”
BY CUDDLES THE KITTEN Jan 20 2015 AT 09:44 CST
While wool is normally worn in the winter, heavy rains predicted for this spring have many turning to a fresh crop of wool to keep them warm and cozy all season long. Word inside the fence is that this is a plot by Goat to further deplete already low wool reserves in order to raise the price and demand of cashmere, made from goat hair. Other sources are claiming this is an attempt by Sheep to look younger – with a fresh haircut – right before the election. Both Goat and Sheep declined to comment. Ram, at a press conference, reiterated his position that “Fashion is a total waste of time.”
BY BILL "NO" BULL Jan 20 2015 AT 17:01 CST
In a repeated act of crying wolf, sheep yet again have claimed to hear and smell a wolf outside their fence. This marks an almost continuous decades-long report of wolves being near or even inside the sheep corral. Any evidence of said wolves, besides anecdotal, remains to materialize. Wolf deniers are claiming that wolves are extinct and have not been seen on the farm in over a century, stipulating that sheep are simply bleating for attention in support of their proposed fence improvement budget. Alleged wolf sightings tend to increase shortly after shearing time, when sheep feel most vulnerable.